Translate for my gut

My weekend started off on a good note. I feel like I had a very good connection with the person who interviewed me during my final meeting with Prospective Employer.

This is the second time I’ve felt that I did not shake the interviwer’s hand well. I did so upon departing his office before stepping into the elevator, but the first time was as if I couldn’t grasp his hand and lock it in for my trademark one-up, one-down shake. I try not to let that set the tone for the questions and back-and-forth that is inevitable at an interview, and I feel that I managed to do well despite the weak hand clutch.

I like people who listen to me and take notes. Not only does it make me feel that I have important things to say, it shows the other person listens. This person took notes! He also did a lot of nodding and “yes” and “yup”-ing. I do that, too, which doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is listening to you, but hey, at least they want to appear engaged. At least, I like to think so. I left feeling more excited about the position.

Lately, I feel as though I’ve been having job search depression. I am not content in my current position and my last position was very slow and there was hardly anything to do which should have been a flag to me since the office shut down after a mere seven month stint there. So it’s been a while since I’ve really been connected and passionate and excited about work. There are certain perks about my job now, but there is, from what I can tell, no growth stream for me, no next step, if you will, which is a huge problem as far as where I want to be at this age in my career. I’ve known for a while, especially after attending trade shows, that I want to return to the types of companies I used to work for. Notice I wrote types, not that I want to work at the actual companies I used to once work for. No way.

So in this restless sort of tug-of-war I’ve had at jobs where I want to stay, make it work, enjoy it, I just feel like it’s not fair to allow myself to be sucked up into an atmosphere like that when I know my heart is elsewhere.

So this is where my job depression enters: Where is elsewhere?

I thought it would be at this company I just interviewed with since I’ve tried many times to make something gel, to hope their HR people weren’t as flaky as they seem, to make them see the light, that I can do this job! But I knew that they would continue to search, drag their heels, find someone more aligned with what they’re looking for. Fine.

And now this job comes up. And I’m nervous. “Go with your gut” people say. “Are you crazy, you aren’t sure you want this?”

My mother is one of the only people who seems to sense my hesitation: Is this what you really want?

I guess I’m just worried because even though it’s publishing, it’s a different beast in a way. And since so many of my skills translate into this available position, well, does that mean I’ll have to keep re-using those same skills, the ones I acquired in my present job to do non-fun stuff in this next job? Or will it be fun stuff? Or will it just be stuff like stuff everyone has to do at work because it’s work?

I’m looking for passion, people. I just thought I’d be closer to it at 26 years old. A month and a day away from 27, too…

I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I usually have no trouble jumping into something with both feet, but for some reason, I’m freaking out! So then is THAT a sign that this is a bad move? Someone translate for my gut, please.

I guess I have no decision to make unless they make me an offer.

To be continued.

Update

Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow.

I had a phone interview tonight and honestly, I’m so tired of shaping and selling myself to people, trying to fit myself into a mold of perfection for any given opportunity. I’m tired and no, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. That was the interviewer’s ONE of TWO questions he asked me. He also told me his age, how old his youngest daughter was and my brain, as dense as it can be, made me think: Is this going to be another one of those jobs I have where it closes down in two seconds and therefore my cover letter to new, prospective employers will need to have not one but two “built-in” ways of explaining in as few words as possible that I can hold–and keep–a job, but that it’s the damn city of Boston that doesn’t know how to keep their leases low enough so that little book publishing operations can survive?

I doubted my skills on the phone. “Well, I’m not sure I’m hearing that you can DO this?” I’m like come on! I’m 5 years out of school and I’ve breathed on more children’s books than edited them. I’m told the fact that they’re kids books doesn’t matter–what about my editing in general??? Um, if you’re a kids publisher, I think kids books and editing them matters. I don’t want to be wishy-washy, but I don’t want to lie. I just want to be. Me. And I’m so wrapped up in what I think people are going to think or did or do think of my skills that I don’t know what the truth is. And therefore, I can’t project it. Not without a few drinks anyway. Just kidding. What if they read this? What if they find this post??

I have an in-person interview on Monday. Black suit: be ready.