competition

I never really considered myself to be competitive. But I think I am.

I always wanted to be the one who did a better job, got the higher grade, received the most compliments, wore the prettier outfit…

But I feel like it’s the personalities of others who bring out the competitive demon in me. For example, the wedding. It was our day, a most magical day, reflective of our tastes, personal characteristics (yes, we chose to have a Catholic wedding–mass and all), and everything about it was us. But you’d attend a friend’s wedding just before and see that she had a photo montage playing all through dinner, an ice sculpture (she didn’t, but this is just an example), and a tribute to deceased relatives. And I wondered, should we be doing this? Because we’re not doing this, is that okay?

How silly does that sound?

I think part of the competitiveness stems from insecurity that what I do personally will not reflect my true character, my personality, me. And I think that by proving that I’m a worthy person, much more than a lavish wedding, someone who wants to feel like she’s got style–I want to be thought of as more than that. I’m sure we all do. But lately I don’t feel that I’ve given off that vibe.

People can suck you into being someone you’re not. I don’t blame anyone imparticular for feeling especially materialistic; the wedding industry thrives on it. But I like to think that my life isn’t about competing. And it certainly shouldn’t be about that when it comes to who I’m friends with.

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