one week ago

I’ve never kept a secret for this long. One so juicy and life-changing.  I thought I would tell him on Christmas day, the script of what I would say, how I would act, what I hoped his reaction would be, would be a little rehearsed, but raw at the same time. 

Except, I didn’t make it that far.  I couldn’t contain myself.  When the first strip dried with two lines I thought it was a mistake.  The sole test within a number of ovulation ones.  The packaging must be mislabeled and I’m really just ovulating now. 

But the packaging was clearly labeled Pregnancy Test and there were the instructions on how to read the results in English and Spanish.

So I took another.  This time, a different brand.  And the plus sign was no mistake.

But I still wasn’t convinced.  The phone call to the doctor about coming in for a blood test would surely confirm it all.  But there is no blood test.  We use those home pregnancy tests here.  They’re almost exactly accurate.

What if I was in the very small not-accurate-percentage of results?

I took another test making it three for the day.  And then I thought…how could I be so naive? I’ve never skipped a period.  Yes, I’ve been three weeks late before and still had it, but how could I think that moving was enough of a reason not to get it this month?

+++

I told him on the Winter Solstice.  After an obscenely early alarm went off, I turned over, and in a voice I remember as calm and confident I said we are pregnant.  We made a baby. 

I gave to him the gift I would have pulled out after all the Christmas gifts were opened, the three onsies for a little one whose sex we think we’ll keep a surprise.  I love the one dotted in stars best of all. 

+++

So our first ultrasound is tomorrow.  A rescheduled one from yesterday so he could make it and not miss work.  It’s to find out how far along I am.  Something I’ve been calculating and recalculating over and over again.  It’s a hard thing to do when your periods are so irregular.

The anticipation grows and I only hope there are no surprises of the bad kind.  That I took the test wrong.  (I even took one more after the day I found out, making four positive tests in total.) That the drinks I had when I thought I had skipped my period won’t sabotage the little being growing inside.

How do I feel? You knew I was going to be terrified.  Yup, still am.  And you must wonder when I decided that I was ready to give this a go.  I thought about it alot.  I knew I always wanted kids and he was ready.  But I was scared.  Scared because what did I know about being a mother? Scared because of what the best timing was.  Scared because this is a huge life-changing miracle, to create a family. 

But I’m also excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m looking forward to a wonderful adventure.  I have so much love to give, and now that we’ve moved into our new home, there’s no stopping us now.  I was obsessed with having to wait on the rest of my life to have a family when I realized that having a family can be your life, will be your life, and it’s okay.  And it can be truly great.  Because those other things you want to do? They are still there.  But the way they may get prioritized could change. 

So this journey of becoming a new mother? I’d love to have you all there for support and help and cheer. 

Love,

itsy bitsy mama

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One thought on “one week ago

  1. Pingback: surprise « itsy bitsy mama

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