now i know how much i want this

Today was hard; I cried and was a mope.  I know that I can either make this easier on myself by being positive that the baby will grow stronger and the next test will knock our socks off, but then there’s part of me who will be so hurt to think that I acted as if all is well and there shouldn’t have been any reason to worry.

He’s been so positive and so cheerful that I asked him if he was in denial. 

We’re pregnant he says and he says we need to be strong for our baby.

I haven’t exercised in a long time and we tried out a new gym.  It felt good to move to inspiring music and I almost started crying at a couple of points during my workout.  Fantasia’s cheesy “I Believe” had me mouthing the words and clinging the treadmill handles so that I could make it through this weird time.

I just want to feel happy and wonderful and yesterday’s prognosis left us surprised and uncertain what to think.  We’re taking it day by day.  Then I realized I’m not dead and no matter what we will fight for the little baby I’ve realized I now want to have so badly.

Late yesterday I wrote to my old doctor as she doesn’t handle the ob stuff, just the gyn details, so technically she’s no longer my doctor.  She is wonderful on email so I wrote to her how we were told that the fetal heart rate was at 93 and not the normal 100 or over and she said that in early pregnancy heart rates can be low to start.  The part that worried me was that she said she wasn’t sure if I was 9 or 6 weeks along.  According to the u/s, I’m 6, but according to my last period, I should be 9.  Is our baby slow to grow? If it’s the latter case and I’m 9 with a 6 week fetus, it’s not a good sign, but if I’m truly 6 weeks which is what we’re presuming by having an August date and because that’s what the u/s indicates, then we should be OK.  We just need to see progress and a stronger heartbeat in 10 days.  We’re told alot of developmental growth occurs during just a week’s time.

She said not to worry, but she realizes that’s hard.  It is hard.  It’s also hard that this is a secret, one I hope that we can tell to people in that our baby grows stronger and stronger each day.  And that some day we can tell him or her that we were so worried for a time when we first had that u/s.

Pray for us.

Love,

itsy bitsy mama

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