When I write in this thing I feel like I “should” write, that it’s been a while since I’ve posted, that I want to be sure I have a memory of what I was thinking, where I was at at 20 weeks in my pregnancy.
But I can’t hide behind a wall anymore. Things aren’t perfect, in fact they’re hard. Last night I had a breakdown and kept telling myself that it’s just the hormones, which my therapist says it is, but I feel crazy. I really, really do.
I know I’ve mentioned on here that I’m a worried first-time pregnant person and that nurses yell at me to not worry, and then we all say what bitches. How can they be like that? The thing is, my anxiety level is so high.
I am fearful of so much in my life. And I write this with tears in my eyes now because I want to come clean. I’m going to be a mother and there’s so much I want to have set, organized, perfected before the baby comes.
You want everything to be perfect for this baby, my husband says. And he’s right. Except I can’t perfect myself overnight.
I feel like I’m going to screw everything up. I feel like if I don’t question every little thing I put in my mouth that I’ll have a terrible time losing the weight after or I’ll harm the baby, cause miscarriage, birth defects, you name it.
In a week I take off for London, a trip I made last year by myself for the first time. Although it’s for work, it’s empowering. Meetings, adrenaline rush, independence. It was an amazing experience. This time I take along in my tummy the person I want to protect the most. The thing I can’t see, but only feel. And I’m scared to death. Scared of not walking around enough on the flight and wondering about the risk of blood clots, scared that my baby won’t receive enough oxygen, scared that if something did happen that the ditzy flight attendant won’t tend to me or take me seriously. I panicked and freaked out and while eating a stale donut the tears poured down and Bub consoled me.
I’ve asked my doctor 3 times if it was safe to go. I am even wearing the hosiery she recommended to keep circulation moving so that the risk (slight or not) of clots is kept at bay. But it’s like I have a worrying disease. I would never forgive myself if something happened to my baby in flight or because I traveled. And I am so scared to think that I am putting my life before my unborn baby’s.
Sounds silly, right? Well this is me. And I’m tired of acting like everything is always peachy because well, things are just really crazy in my head and hormones or not, I’m tired of being afraid.
On the good news front, yesterday was a very active baby kicking day! I questioned the flutters, spasms, and popcorn-popping feelings I had earlier, but yesterday I was confident that it was all movement. Either that or I’ve developed a stomach spasm disorder I need to get a diagnosis on.
Wishing you all a good weekend. Here’s hoping yours isn’t as anxiety-filled as mine.
itsy bitsy mama at 20 weeks: