putting it all out there

When I write in this thing I feel like I “should” write, that it’s been a while since I’ve posted, that I want to be sure I have a memory of what I was thinking, where I was at at 20 weeks in my pregnancy.

But I can’t hide behind a wall anymore.  Things aren’t perfect, in fact they’re hard.  Last night I had a breakdown and kept telling myself that it’s just the hormones, which my therapist says it is, but I feel crazy.  I really, really do.

I know I’ve mentioned on here that I’m a worried first-time pregnant person and that nurses yell at me to not worry, and then we all say what bitches.  How can they be like that? The thing is, my anxiety level is so high.

I am fearful of so much in my life.  And I write this with tears in my eyes now because I want to come clean.  I’m going to be a mother and there’s so much I want to have set, organized, perfected before the baby comes.

You want everything to be perfect for this baby, my husband says.  And he’s right.  Except I can’t perfect myself overnight.

I feel like I’m going to screw everything up.  I feel like if I don’t question every little thing I put in my mouth that I’ll have a terrible time losing the weight after or I’ll harm the baby, cause miscarriage, birth defects, you name it.

In a week I take off for London, a trip I made last year by myself for the first time.  Although it’s for work, it’s empowering.  Meetings, adrenaline rush, independence.  It was an amazing experience.  This time I take along in my tummy the person I want to protect the most.  The thing I can’t see, but only feel.  And I’m scared to death.  Scared of not walking around enough on the flight and wondering about the risk of blood clots, scared that my baby won’t receive enough oxygen, scared that if something did happen that the ditzy flight attendant won’t tend to me or take me seriously.  I panicked and freaked out and while eating a stale donut the tears poured down and Bub consoled me. 

I’ve asked my doctor 3 times if it was safe to go.  I am even wearing the hosiery she recommended to keep circulation moving so that the risk (slight or not) of clots is kept at bay.  But it’s like I have a worrying disease.  I would never forgive myself if something happened to my baby in flight or because I traveled.  And I am so scared to think that I am putting my life before my unborn baby’s.

Sounds silly, right? Well this is me.  And I’m tired of acting like everything is always peachy because well, things are just really crazy in my head and hormones or not, I’m tired of being afraid.

On the good news front, yesterday was a very active baby kicking day! I questioned the flutters, spasms, and popcorn-popping feelings I had earlier, but yesterday I was confident that it was all movement.  Either that or I’ve developed a stomach spasm disorder I need to get a diagnosis on.

Wishing you all a good weekend.  Here’s hoping yours isn’t as anxiety-filled as mine. 

Love,

itsy bitsy mama at 20 weeks:

20weeks1.jpg

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “putting it all out there

  1. Oh, bunny. I wish I already lived in Boston so I could just come over and smother you with hugs. Everything you’re feeling is very, very normal, and even though I haven’t had my own child, I’ve seen enough friends and relatives go through it to have a little knowledge. It’s SO normal to be anxious and worried, but try and relax. Stress is only going to make it all worse. And my best friend in high school? Her mother drank, chain smoked and ate complete garbage throughout the entire nine months, and she delivered SIX healthy children, every single time.

    You know where to find me if you need me – I’m always here to listen! Hope you have a great weekend!

    xox

  2. Oh love. It’s OK to feel stressed and anxious and to admit it. Honestly I wondered how could you NOT feel that way!

    Perhaps if you’re able to look at it as something more, something bigger than you. Do you believe in God? That things are meant to be a certain way? Women have been having babies now for how many years? Babies are resilient and you my dear, are not single-handedly capable of doing serious injury to your baby.

    But please, fe vent away – get that stress and anxiety out of you. It will help and we’re all here to support you. Promise.

    You (and your baby) are beautiful =)

  3. Hey babe!

    I also have that “worrying disease” thing too… so I completely understand. While I don’t *completely* know how you feel (a la I am not pregnant), I can see how experiencing pregnancy for the first time, with other first time ‘overlaid’ on top of that can be mind-boggling.

    Keep smiling that pretty smile and I shall giggle when I think of you in support hosiery :)

  4. I wish it were easy to not worry, but I would be the same way. I think you know, deep down, that everything will be just fine. It will. Be patient with, and forgiving of, yourself. And have a safe trip!

  5. I know exactly how you feel! I just had my first baby and I was terribly paranoid the ENTIRE TIME! There is SO MUCH to learn–what to do, what not to do, etc.–that it can be incredibly overwhelming at times. We had a wonderful, healthy, beautiful baby girl and she is the BIGGEST blessing in our lives. Being a first-time mom is so exciting and I never knew I had the capacity to love another human being this much! From the moment she began growing inside of me, ’til I could feel her movements for the first time, ’til she came out screaming, ’til I held her, nursed her and rocked her to sleep, the love that a mother has for her child is simply amazing, and there’s nothing wrong with your instinctive need to protect that little life! But please do take comfort in knowing that you are completely normal, that you’re going to be a wonderful mother and that your child will be so lucky to be loved and cherished by you!

  6. Hang in there honey!

    I am the babe in the pictures here on my fashion website regarding hosiery and I have went through seven pregnancies. My most difficult ones and the ones I worried about the most turned out the best! Go figure!

  7. Sorry if this comment comes through twice- my computer is being weird.

    I’m sorry you’re anxious. Admittedly, I don’t know much about pregnancy but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. And the worrying? Seems totally normal to me too. Then again, I’m a worry wart!

    Hang in there.

  8. Oh darling, it’s ok to feel that way and it doesn’t make you crazy. It makes you a normal mom-to-be.

    I deal with anixety day to day and I’m sure it must be 10xs as bad with pregnancy hormones and the fear of protecting a life inside of you. But I know that you’re going to be an amazing mother, even through the ups and downs of life.

    xoxo

  9. i understand the anxiety. but sometimes i think that if i dwell on that, it will make it worse, so i start thinking about the things that are good, how good i’m feeling (even if there’s something bad i’m feeling too) and put a smile on my face. it’s amazing how you feel if you stop dwelling. because your baby is healthy. you know it is. :)

  10. i can imagine that i will be the same way when i am pregnant….because i am a super anxious person without the pregnancy hormones aiding it.

    but from what i can tell, you are taking such good care of your little bug already and will continue to be an exceptional mother after he/she is born.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s