call me ignorant

But I don’t want to hear it. 

The woman you know from work whose unborn baby will likely need surgery immediately after being born.

A woman who was pregnant and is now not.

I just don’t want to hear it.

I worry enough about me–and not that I don’t want to hear the realities and truths of some pregnancies–I just can’t take it.

I have relaxed a ton since I’ve been back from my trip.  The upcoming California work one coupled with our Babymoon has me slightly irked, but for now I’m enjoying kicks and registering and focusing on our nursery.

Before I was pregnant I talked to my friend who is a nurse at Children’s Hospital in Boston on the transplant floor.  She would tell me stories.  When I saw her on Friday she was silent about work.  And if she wasn’t? I would have told her to refrain from sharing anything with me.

I know we’re not in a perfect world.  I know anything can happen.  But for now, I’m clutching on to what little optimism I carry with me throughout my life and on behalf of my baby.  And for that I can sleep just a little better at night. 

As a nurse told me, she doesn’t hold a crystal ball and nothing is for sure.  But I do know that each day, week, hour, minute is about growing a life inside of me.  Ten fingers and toes.  A heart and nose.  I have so much love to give no matter what happens. 

I pray for those who can’t get pregnant.  I pray for those who’ve had complicated pregnancies.  And my heart goes out to those who are suffering loss.

It could be me.  I hope it isn’t.  And I am superstitious.  Maybe if I turn a blind eye I’ll keep something bad at bay.  Deep down, I know that’s not true.  Knocking on wood isn’t going to help any.

For now I think I’ll just be happy for what I do know at this instance, that I’m 6 months pregnant come Friday.  That I’m proud to become a mother.  And that although I haven’t experienced giving birth yet, I have become stronger.

Please pray for all those who I mention above and for the women who are carrying a life today.

Love,
Itsy bitsy mama

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