I am currently working from our screened-in front porch.
Someone next door is doing the nesting behavior I wish I could do (I hear a vacuum) instead of answering emails and attempting to tie loose ends before baby makes an appearance. But that’s next to impossible seeing as how this job keeps lots in motion and I can’t just draw a line in the sand and say okay, I finished, see you on the other side of three months. No, instead I keep getting emails from my boss who is away and has been for the better part of the month with the subject line as “If you’re still here…” which is followed by snippets here and there in emails of “No baby yet??!!”
So now that I’ve made it to my due date I feel like I can start to get anxious. Not that I wasn’t before, but if the baby came before today it would have been considered early and well, I was a late baby and I’m a late person in general. I don’t believe in early anything : ) So here I am. On the day that I have spoken about often.
August 22nd. August 22nd.
My gut still says baby will take its time to come. And, I do feel that I’ll have to be induced. I have no idea what I’m in store for. A co-worker asked me if I was excited yesterday and you see I haven’t let myself be 110% excited. Why?
Because of the unknown.
This pregnancy has been a time of fear ever since I was unsure I was even pregnant. I wouldn’t believe the tests. How could it be? In getting past that, it was the first ultrasound, what many would think is an exciting time. Instead, our sonographer was cold, all-business, and the words “heart beat is low” still ring in my head at times. I’m told there is nothing I can do but wait and see what progresses. So I tend to side on the negative rather than on the positive because somehow that sets me up for feeling less of a failure, less of a shmuck if something were to go wrong.
But the thing is, outside of eating right and taking care of myself overall, I really can’t control what’s going on in there. In fact, I should save up all the energy and fear for when the baby is outside, in the real world, when I can control more.
So I want so badly to tear down the wall I stand so close behind, to say we are ready for you little bug. And embrace a new life, a new love, a new piece of my heart.
I know, I know, I owe pictures of our mural and our new elephant curtains which came yesterday and are so frigging cute I could pee, as well as what will hopefully be final belly shots. But the camera is packed neatly away in the hospital bag that will hopefully find use in the near future as I transform into what one would call mom.
So that leaves the cell phone camera. I’ll get right on it. More to come, as always. And thanks to you all for listening and writing with happy labor thoughts!
itsy bitsy soon to be (?!!) mama