it’s been almost three months of me being on this diet which i now feel is a real part of me. i don’t really think about the things i can’t eat, i just skim labels now for the obvious: soybean oil, whey, eggs, peanuts, etc. and move along to look at the next and sometimes the next bottle of bbq sauce or crackers or gummy worms.
i still haven’t broken open the DVD that this new mom raved about because i am certain that the place we have the TV in with the two chairs and ian’s exersaucer and play mat won’t allow me enough room to move. but i really know that’s an excuse and that i haven’t seen what sort of room i need to do the very activity i used to always do at a gym. that thing that everyone says they’ll do at the start of the new year. right now i’m not even talking about excersise, i’m talking about anything involving movement.
but the thing that really pisses me off isn’t that i haven’t pushed myself to move, i mean there’s always that. and for now i rather stuff it in the back corner of my mind and worry about it later–when it’s spring and warm and easy to take the stroller out and walk to get a coffee (black and with sugar, in case you wondered how i take it since milk and soy are out and rice milk only makes it look lighter and doesn’t do one thing for taste. not one thing. vanilla or not).
no, the thing that pisses me off is that today marks the fifth time i’ve seen blood in ian’s diaper and again, i can’t say i went and cheated on the dumb diet. there was eating out just once at the restaurant that swore up and down that they prepared my meal allergen-free, but then i found blood the next day. and bub told me he’d like to trust in the fact that they DID prepare the food correctly. coincidence? i think not.
and the chocolate that a dear, best friend sent who told me that the woman at the chocolate shop swore up and down did not have soy in it and only had 3 ingredients all of which appeared “safe” yielded in blood the next day. coincidence? maybe–but what else could it have been?
and then there’s last week when i discovered blood and the only out of the ordinary thing i had was the soup my mom made and she claims it was safe (and i believe her), but what else could have caused the reaction?
and then today. today i see it again. and i know for sure that come next week when i go to the GI doctor that i will be fired. fired from nursing my baby. and what can i say? let’s continue to do this. give me the cards to slap poop all over and i’ll come back again in a month so you can drip your blue dye on them and look for a change in color, look for proof that ian’s butt isn’t happy or his intestine isn’t kosher.
and i wonder what it is that makes me so disappointed. i mean, i suffered in the beginning with the pain that comes with nursing and i prevailed and succeeded in putting weight on this kid. and he is the happiest little guy (or so i like to think so). and yet the blood is a real consequence of his feedings. and it’s so irritating. i thought that if you want something bad enough, you work hard and achieved it. and there’s a simple solution to this: stop nursing and use formula. stop what’s so natural, what’s so easy and nourishing and use formula, an expensive potion not covered by our insurance. a potion that so many books say isn’t as good as the breast. a potion that so many are quick to say they used, something used with me. and i turned out…okay.
but it’s the feeling of defeat i cling to. it’s the fact that i feel like something is messing with me. and it’s the fact that my mother in law, in her sheer shock that i want to nurse for a year, doesn’t get how important this is to me. and i suppose many might not get it. but until you nurse and until you do this for your own baby, i suppose you really won’t get it, many of you.
so whatever. not even the thought of chocolate seems to take the edge off the fact that i will be able to devour it again if i have to end nursing as soon as next week.
but i’m living day by day and ending nursing won’t come easily. no, i will be putting up a fight with the doctor. ian’s health comes first, but someone show me how he’s unhappy with his feedings, how he’s not benefiting and i’ll stop.
i’m just afraid that if i stop the bleeding will remain and then what? we’ve messed with a system that was working just fine.
and i like to leave well enough alone.