Ian started the special formula about a week and a half ago and we’re just trudging along.

I hate it.

It smells like fast food and I feel like I’m force-feeding him sometimes.  The bottles are a bear to put together: more components, scoops of mixture that make me feel like I’m putting together Crystal Light drinks even though I’ve never even consumed the stuff. 

I won’t get into the poops–how they look thicker than cream of spinach and smell horrific.  Not that his poops while I nursed were odor-free, but they were SO bearable. 

On Sunday we went to Home Depot (again–feels like we’re always there) and I saw blood when I changed Ian’s diaper.  I got so pissed.  There I am in the dingy bathroom using one of those changing tables that attaches to the wall with the strap that never works.  I’m always afraid the table is going to disconnect from the wall and Ian’s head is going to bounce and roll on the floor so I hold onto him with all my might because that boy SQUIRMS like it’s his job.  And not that I make it a habit to inspect these stinky, stinky, stinky poops, but I saw it, like a tiny dot just saying “Hello!” and taunting me.  A dot just like the spot I’d see here and there during my pregnancy.

So to make myself feel better, I remembered that the doctor said it takes 2 weeks for the formula to make its way through Ian’s system, and it hasn’t yet been 2 weeks.  And I read about the special formula, Neocate, on message boards and the moms like me who found blood and nursed like it was their high-paying job and then made the switch to try and see if it would help, and it did.  So I want to be in that boat because if not, well, I get to return to nursing, but then they have to look inside Ian’s tummy and I’m not sure how I feel about that.  The doctor said that if it wasn’t an allergy it could be a structural thing.  And well, that sounds ugly.  And it sounds serious.  And I hate serious.

I’m pumping around 5 times a day.  And let me tell you, pumping that many times a day and DUMPING and pumping that many times a day and not giving your baby any of the milk, but instead feeding him French fries-smelling formula, is annoying.  Over the weekend I was pumping at like 11:30 at night because as I am with all things these days, I procrastinated getting in my 5 times over with.  When we go to Maryland in a couple of weeks I am thinking of bringing my pump out with me while we sightsee with Bub’s family because I’m not sure I can pump that many times in the confines of their house before we head out for the day.  And then it’s washing the damn parts.  I hate it.  I even have those handy sterilization microwave bags, but I am so sick of them.

If the formula works, I am told I can return to nursing if I see a nutritionist and play with my diet.  By play, I think that means restricting wheat and fish in addition to everything else.  If it’s a milk and/or soy allergy, tell me why I’m restricting food groups that have nothing to do with milk or soy? Tell me.  Tell me why the nutritionist I already talked to said it sounds like I am doing everything I can and that my diet sounds TOO strict.  Tell me what now?

So I cheated on the diet for 1 day last week.  Yes.  I did that because let’s remember, I am dumping my milk that I pump FIVE times a day.  Ian is drinking only formula for this 1 month (hopefully) which is almost half over.  And I had been staring at truffles, homemade, that I got for Christmas from a co-worker that sat in my desk drawer so that each time I opened the drawer, they would be sitting there, staring at me.  That, and the tiny packet of Nutella my boss brought me back from Frankfurt.  I missed the trip to Germany since I was on maternity leave and they have these packets of Nutella that I love, I adore, I would take home with me, as part of the breakfast buffet at the hotel (that’s my kind of breakfast, by the way, one that includes Nutella!).  So I finally cheated–I ate those truffles which would have been great if I ate them when they were fresh, and not just sitting there for months.  (I have been on the diet almost 4 months, thankyouverymuch!) and I ate the Nutella.  I ate the Nutella with my finger, people.  Because I had shut my door in order to sin in silence and I was not parting with the Nutella until I consumed it.

But I did not stop there.  That night, we ordered an eggplant parm sub.  And I almost had an orgasm over the cheese pooling at the edges of it.  It was heaven.  Why we SPLIT the damn sub, I have no clue.  I wish I had had my own.  Then, I told Bub it had to be done, I wanted chocolate chips–chocolate chips that stare at me whenever I go into the pantry and browse for a snack, those pesky chocolate chips that peer at me, taunt me in their big bag with all the baking stuff.  So Bub gave me a handful and well, the Nutella was better.

Bub kidded that I could have a breakfast where I cheat.  I said no, no, I can’t let myself go–and I really can’t because the allergens I’m working so hard at keeping out of my system linger for around 2 weeks before clearing out, and if there’s a chance I can return to nursing, I don’t want to not be able to because I needed to have dairy or whatever.  But his suggestion stayed in my mind.  So when I got my black coffee with one sugar as I usually do at the Dunkin Donuts on the way to work, I got two of my favorite donuts in the world. 

Chocolate frosted. 

At first, when I was in line, I was all set to just order coffee.  But then Bub’s idea came bubbling up and all those damn donuts were just sitting there, lined up in their pretty rows with shiny frosting, sparkling sprinkles, powdery bliss.  So I’m like, okay, I’m going to get one.  Then I’m like, screw that, I’m getting TWO.  And then I said, no, no, no, I will just get my coffee.

And then I left with my coffee and two donuts and I had to RESTRAIN myself from eating them as soon as I got into the car.  So I get to the office, I shut my door, and it’s sin city, and I devour the damn donuts.

And this felt great. 

And I’m back on the wagon–black coffee, oatmeal, salads, etc., no more cheating! 

Good thing I found Trader Joe’s dark chocolate that is supposedly soy and dairy free to which I ate an entire bar of right when I got home from work yesterday.

It’s the little things.


4 thoughts on “cheater

  1. It sounds like you have been doing such a remarkable job being a Mom and maintaining a special diet for the past 4 months. Don’t beat yourself up too much :-)

  2. You deserved every one of those “cheats.”

    Even though the formula is gross, I hope it helps Ian. Going down the structural road sounds scary.

  3. I don’t even consider it cheating. You’re certainly allowed a treat sometimes. You sound like you were doing everything right. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for you to not have things meshing like they should. I hope everything works out ok with the formula/feeding.

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