‘today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday’

I’m a worrier.  There’s no denying it. 

While I stew over something awkward that happened, a fight I’ve had with someone, or even the way I got treated by a manager, I worry.  How will I be judged? What will they think? What will I do? How do I solve this? And on top of one worry, comes another.  And the worries pile up like layers of an onion, one seemingly less intense than the next.  Why was I worrying about this when now that X has happened the other thing seems so minor?

I’ve cleared the air and my mind of the daycare woes.  I’d like to think Ian is receiving good care there.  All I had to hear yesterday when I dropped him off and confronted the woman who is getting on my nerves is that she wants the best for Ian.  And with that I shut my mouth and shuffled the words around my head.  Well, that’s what I want, too.  And do I think she said that to kiss my behind or make me feel at ease? No.  Because in hindsight, everything she’s done that’s irked me? Has been for the betterment of my son.  Sure, she cut his nails without telling me and cut his finger as a result.  But why did she do this? Because the kid can scratch like a pro and mark up his forehead and nose.  Sure we told her not to do that again and for goodness sakes tell us if you cut him (we have, by accident of course as was the case when she did it), but I rather be the one who does the minor unintentional stuff like that if it happens.  And don’t tell me you’ve perfectly trimmed your infants’ nails.  Don’t.

She puts Ian on his side to sleep if he’s just had a bottle even after he’s been burped and why? Because she’s scared he’ll spit up and choke.  Not because she wants to drive Courtney nuts. 

She put Ian down for a nap after he seemed too tired to eat what I’ve learned is the most ill-tasting formula on the market.  And then I felt like an ass when my mother tried to feed him and he barely got down 1/2 bottle of the stuff on her first try. 

So I’m trying not to worry that Ian is in bad hands.  And sure, I want to follow my gut and I’m a nit-picker, but when this woman at the daycare does something that is not tied to benefitting my child or making him more comfortable or happy, then I’ll really let it rip.  For now, I think I’ll chill.

So we had an unexpected trip to the GI doctor yesterday morning as a result of a phone discussion I had with him on Friday night.  Last week we saw the most blood in a week’s time than we did when I wasn’t on the elimination diet from hell and nursing.  I hate saying “most blood” since we’re talking VERY minor amounts (a spot, usually), but we saw it on four different days, almost double the number of days that we were seeing it when I was on the diet.

The doctor thinks if Ian has this blood in the stool and is on this expensive disgusting formula it is rare for a baby not to take to it and heal if he has an allergy.  So I’m really wondering if he has allergies.  It takes 2 weeks for the formula to kick in.  Two weeks was Friday.  We did 3 occult blood tests and they came out negative which is great, but since we’re talking about very little blood here it could be that the places I’ve chosen to test from the diaper were not the areas with blood in them.  So for now, our plan is to give it more time.   If we see more blood like we did last week we’ll have to have them put a little camera in Ian’s bum.  Unfortunately, last night we saw blood.  Peter almost missed it, but with a pinched nose and a look under three different sets of lights I found it in the messy diaper.  So miniscule. 

Today I will call to find out the results of Ian’s blood work.  I hope we get a thumbs up on that.  I was so focused on the nursing and if and when I can return to it that I didn’t allow myself to let the first step, which is to get the Neocate work, do its job.  And now here we are.  Waiting.

We are headed to MD this weekend for Bub’s father’s birthday celebration.  We’ll be hitting DC while we’re there and I hope we get to catch up with my friend Ilana before or after some sightseeing.  It’ll be nice to get away and hopefully return to some warmer spring-like temps.  It’s fair to say that leaving the state is synonymous with how I want to deal with the blood issue and the annoyances I’ve had with the daycare woman: I want to push them aside and escape.

Also, we’re finally going to start Ian on solid food Sunday when he turns 6 months.  It’s hard to believe he’s been with us 1/2 a year and that we’ve been parents for that length of time.  The end of summer was a blur as was maternity leave.  On Thursday I’ll reunite with two women I took a prenatal yoga class with for several months.  One woman had her baby girl the same day Ian was born.  The other woman has a son a few weeks older than Ian and they live in our town which means this could be a potential friend for life for Ian.  I know I am being a bit dramatic but it’s neat to think that this could be the start of long-lasting friendships for both the babies and the moms.

And lastly, because I know everyone has been wondering, our new refrigerator is a dream.

love,

itsy bitsy mama

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