on the calm

I dropped off Ian late to daycare yesterday due to his 6-month wellness visit.  I did something I’ve done once before and I hated myself the last time it happened.  I carry too much, with Ian in his carrier, a box of Pampers, and his bottles in a Disney bag I got from last year’s BEA, I swung open the old fashioned door to the antique-style house where the daycare is located and it swings back, on Ian.  Yes, he is in the carrier, but how lazy can I be standing there trying to bring a dozen things into one tiny doorway at once, one of them being my darling babe? I did this while on maternity leave on an afternoon I spent in the library.  I learned the hard way that it doesn’t work too well to go scouring the aisles for childhood favorites while lugging a very heavy carrier which was the reason I had to go to PT for two months.  Ever since I fell while carrying Ian in his carrier at just five weeks old, I’ve been paranoid about anything that jostles him or bumps into him, even if it is his carrier.  Is he okay? I think so, but the anxiety-stricken part of me which makes up approximately 90% of my mind always seems to win.  And then I make myself miserable and come across as an insecure parent.  The icing on the cake? The fact that the woman I had some snafoos with at the daycare witnessed my door-swinging and said “Thank goodness for car seats!” and I’m left feeling like a shitty mother because I didn’t make multiple trips or just take my time and push open the door a different way.

Last week I met up with two mothers I took prenatal yoga with and wouldn’t you know that one of them whose baby was born the same day as Ian, is taking Neocate, the same formula Ian is on for allergies and that the mother is on my diet (I say “my” like I enjoy ownership over having to deal with this hell meal plan) AND she’s also restricting wheat and fish.  And her GI doctor? Same one as Ian’s! But the funny thing is that she gives into nursing her daughter because she won’t drink the Neocate.  And for a moment I was jealous.  Jealous that she could nurse her daughter at the cafe where we all met up.  But in the back of my mind, I knew that nursing Ian wouldn’t solve the issues we are trying to figure out.

I saw blood three times last week.  We took our first airplane trip to Maryland to see Ian’s other grandparents and we had a wonderful time and surprise, surprise, Ian was an angel on the plane and during the entire trip.  Dear Sister-in-Law managed to get him an adorable giraffe.  In case you hadn’t figured out, we don’t mesh so well together.  But nothing can get my spirits down when my Ian is so happy.  So while we were away, and especially when I changed his diaper in public, I didn’t check the poop closely to look for blood.  So I could have missed it.  I’m doing the card tests at home and hoping that next week Ian is actually responding to this formula.  One step at a time.  Anything to get this under control. 

Currently we are at home since he has a fever.  It’s gone down from last night, but it’s his first one and the doctor’s office advised us to keep him home and not send him to daycare.  It’s challenging working from home and taking care of the little guy and I can see now how it’s a real juggling act, getting work done while parenting.  But I enjoy it.  I mean, I’m home, I’m with my son, and I’m doing work–multi-tasking if you will.  Does my boss love it? I feel like at any moment she may pull me aside and say I’m not cutting it, the 4-day work week isn’t working and things aren’t getting done.  But I keep reminding myself that the most important work I do is be a parent to this little boy.  And that is it.

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3 thoughts on “on the calm

  1. Try not to be so hard on yourself, we are all just trying to be the best mother we and we are going to make mistakes. I dropped Luke when he was like 3 weeks old. He was on my lap and swaddled up into such a ball that when I went to adjust something he rolled off my lap like a basketball, luckily I caught him before his head in the carpet but I was so shaken by that. And just for good measure, I was telling my friend about it and she proceeded to tell me how when her son was in his car seat….she had one where the lever to move it was in the middle of the carrying bar…she was having a hard time getting it to go and her hand slipped and she punched her son in the face. He’s fine. :)

  2. When we met with our pediatrician I remember him saying that everyone drops their baby – he said he did it and his wife did it and almost all the time the babies are fine. It’s the parents that freak out about it. Which of course, how could you not?

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