While many of you celebrated a new year, a new decade, I did the same, but things felt different this time.
I felt the usual pressure to get it all done before the next work week, work day started. To make sure that the kitchen was tidy enough, again. That Ian’s lunch was packed, again. That I had clean underwear beyond today’s pair, again. That we had a plan for dinner, again. That Ian wasn’t going to have to wear a weird mismatched outfit…which I save for days that I don’t work, so that I can do more laundry.
I feel stuck.
I feel like I’ve got a fresh start in theory (because even though it’s a new year, you still carry with you all the mess of preceding moments and days and years–and also all the happy stuff, too), but I’m not making good on it.
It’s like I have a disease.
And when I complain that I’m not productive or when I swear up and down to Bub once again that we have to rework our budget, and I still get nothing done, I’m told that it’s good to relax, it’s good to have down time. But that can’t be good when you think you have down time all the time, right?
I’ve taken more naps in these past weeks than I remember taking when I was on maternity leave (okay, well that may be because a newborn doesn’t sleep for more than a few hours, er, minutes at a time), but still. At times, I chalk up how I behave now to the way I behaved right after Ian was born, how life was newly chaotic (and also exciting and very different).
But shouldn’t I be a pro at motherhood? Shouldn’t I not get grouchy when Ian gets up earlier than usual and throws a wrench into how I’m going to entertain him while showering, dressing, and brushing my teeth since Bub leaves earlier than me for work?
Sometimes I think if I were a full time mom, I’d fail. Fail at being fun everyday all day–especially when the weather is freezing and the last thing Ian wants is for me to strap him in a stroller while we go someplace public just to get out. I’d fail at getting it all done: taking care of Ian so that he doesn’t seem to easily tire of running back and forth through all the rooms of the first floor, and the house–making it clean, organized, and perfect.
You’d think with one solid day off and a 3-hour-napper-a-day-son that I could get something accomplished instead of finishing off the Breyers or watching Devil Wears Prada, again.
So that’s my first whine post of 2010.
Now that it’s out of my system, I’m ready to kick some ass.
Right after I shut my door and have a small nap.