It’s how I feel. I feel like time is moving so quickly, yet slowly at the same time. We have been out of our house a month. Tonight we return to our own bed, sense of life, normalcy–but only for a bit–before the world changes with another little blessing. I haven’t had much time to think about that–or maybe I have–but when I do start to think about life with two little ones–I just hold Ian a bit tighter and promise myself nothing will change in my heart; he is the absolute purest joy I have ever experienced. And don’t say, what about your husband–nothing compares to the love you have for your child. The one you birthed. The one who makes anything bad go away with a smile, an I love you, a giggle, a new word, a proclamation that there is a tractor on the side of the road or a plane way up high.
I want this little person, this new person to be a gift to Ian–a lifelong friend–someone who shares the goodness of a family, our family. I am excited, I am anxious, I am scared. I want to be a good mom–a great mom–and I just hope to do that.
So back to fast and slow. I can’t believe that in a little over three weeks, give or take, things will change. I can’t believe how uncomfortable I’m admitting I am. I am, UNCOMFORTABLE. Either the baby is bigger than Ian was or my non-existant after I had Ian stomach muscles are letting this baby hang out because my pelvis is ready to burst. The pain I had in my back/hip after having Ian and resulting in me going to PT is here NOW. I feel kind of old–like, shouldn’t you fall apart at 70 or 80 years old? And then at the same time I feel a sadness that I have taken this baby for granted, this pregnancy for granted. I’ve tried not to, especially with knowing there could be a chance that things don’t work in my favor. There was the cyst, there could be anything that pops up. We just take stuff for granted. And if you don’t, well let me tell you, I do. And it scares the crap out of me because I am superstitious and I feel like it’s just something that will come bite me in the butt. Speaking of butt, Ian tried to use my makeup brush to pretend paint my butt today.
So I won’t bore anyone that stops by and reads this with complaints of exhaustion or woe is me. We are moving back into an improved home, Ian is a constant source of entertainment, summer starts (officially) next week, I’m constantly jabbed by a little bug in my belly, and I have FINALLY scheduled my pre-delivery pedi for next week. I just feel like the baby is going to come early. I want to be ready. I am ready. Bring it on little one! You’ve got a great daddy, fun brother, and an excited mommy waiting for you! We love you so much already. We can’t wait to meet you.
itsy bitsy mama