before

I didn’t want to return there for fear of what I might feel. The pain might be too much for my shaky heart, easily unsteady with anxiety at the slightest of actions.

Would I see here, people, people that I used to look like with their fresh chance to do it all for the first time and be jealous? If I ever moved back there, would I only like it because of the strong love of memories, unable to create ones just as good in my new person, with my larger heart?

At times I wonder what it takes to make it. And in looking back, I wonder if I already did. Like a sea of water washing over me in the bathroom, no matter the faucet, lake or ocean, I let it all drift away until I choose to fantasize about it again.

Advertisements

stream

Is this thing still on? Wow, another hiatus. And what do I have to show for it? Two busy little boys, an octopus mama, germs come, germs gone, an amazing husband and father to the little ones. Work. Always feeling one step–no, two steps, behind. I want to make a change, but I don’ t know if I mean in the career sense or if I mean being completely stay at home (which is not an option at this point), but I know the fluffy resolutions so many make at the start of the calendar year are not enough of a push for me, but I’m using and doing what I can. And when is it enough to push oneself? When it hurts? When it’s uncomfortable? When it’s not going to move anywhere unless I feel that way? But if I push too hard and it feels painful, will I ever want to try again? Or will it be burned into my mind as a chore? The thing I am so tired of lately is feeling like it’s my fault. This makes what, the second, or third complex I’m having about friends Ian loves to play with but their moms seem like flakes? Or else it’s me. Because, I can’t, for the life of me, get them to commit to play dates and plans and FUN, you know, for our kids. I may not want to sit down with you, either, and drink wine and hash out what’s really on my mind, but hey, if my kid is head over heels about trucks when it comes to playing with your kid, I will become that annoying mom who presses for playtime outside of the preschool. Do the courteous thing and decline, but don’t ignore and make busy excuses to me. I get it. Just make it clear. I’m not a mind reader for goodness sake.

I’m not sure I feel better, but at least I put my English major skills to use this morning and didn’t have to have anyone review this first. So nice to make a decision and do something at almost 32 years old without permission. Gasp! It’s like being the adult I thought I was!

Boo!

Whew! Long time, no post. But that’s OK. There aren’t too many people who read this, I don’t think–and if they did, they would have given up on any updates whatsoever! But I have to post some Halloween pictures since how could I not with my boys looking how they did? I’m just a tad biased–and proud to be!

We got clobbered by a Halloween snow storm which pretty much wiped out our Halloween altogether so we are thankful for school that had a couple of dress up in costume days prior to the storm, and trick or treating at Nana and Grandpa’s house since our town cancelled it. Nana and Grandpa also had power (and more important–heat!) so we camped out there for a few days. We are now back home and ready to celebrate in our town who has thankfully rescheduled all the missed activities of last weekend!

So stop speeding or else you might get a ticket from this guy…and who wouldn’t want to kiss this frog?

 

morning

If you asked me years ago (not that I’m that old) if I was a morning person, it would have been telling how little you knew me.  Today, Bub tries to say I’m a night owl–but the activities that I stay up late for are quite different than what they were years ago.

I’m now a morning person, and probably not by choice.  But I think I prefer it to being a late night regular, at least for now.

There is so much promise to the day when you wake up.  First, there’s coffee.  Sure, you can have coffee any time you choose, but for me, it’s most enjoyed in the morning.  Then there’s getting ready.  Don’t get me wrong, the process can be painful, especially with two little ones and Bub’s train schedule and two school drop-offs and pick-ups for each child.  But it’s the sense of feeling clean from that hot shower, or refreshed after putting on a new outfit (not new as in store-bought new, but freshly washed clothes).  And then there’s the thought of the whole day stretching out beyond your fingertips for you to conquer.

On the flipside, nighttime brings exhaustion from the day, less motivation because of less energy, and therefore, less will power.  Crankiness sets in slowly (or rapidly, without you realizing it), and then there’s the clean-up of the entire day’s activities to tackle, whether it be from the kiddos or from neglected chores.  At night, my to-do list has usually grown from the morning (or stayed the same) and you attempt to tackle it before bed, staying up later to get it all done.  And here’s hoping you do.

And then you have the next day, the next morning, to do it all again.

living and loving

Life has taken over so the blog takes a backseat.  Between all the places to update the world with tidbits of life: Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn (sort of), I’m too tired to come here and spell it out again.  But yet, I enjoy writing so I’m not sure why I view this as exhausting…and Facebook and Twitter are not really places you write, at least not more than a few sentences, or in the case of Twitter, 140 characters.

We are busy, folks.  Busy.  I think it’s a good thing when you don’t make time to update all of these social network, digital spaces.  It’s a good thing to share, but live life outside of technology.  Live!

So, this guy?

His last day of daycare is tomorrow.  I was sad about it at first.  Then it felt bittersweet.  Now I am so ready for him.  To move on.  He is beginning a summer program at his preschool in two weeks! This is a program we learned about four years ago when we moved here which we were immediately interested in, but since it’s a preschool, obviously your baby can’t enroll until he is almost three.  And Ian is turning three (!) in August!

And look out! Arthur is walking! He is walking a whole two months ahead of when big brother started to walk.  But I think Ian was a little bit ahead with his baby words than Arthur is…

Every day I say I am going to eat these guys up.  My heart runneth over with love for these two.

When I was pregnant with Arthur, I wasn’t sure how I could love another as much as I do Ian.  Now I know.  The heart knows no limits.

I don’t think I’ve improved with taking pics of both guys at once, but we’ll get there.

And on that note, we’re going to get back to living.

31 things about me…

since i just, uh, turned…31! i’ll try to keep it as non-boring as possible.  apologies for the weak beginning, starting with:

  1. i’ve never colored my hair.  i’m not sure what i will do when i go strong in the gray department (or white), but for now, i’m a brunette without any desires to be a blonde, a red-head, a black-haired beauty…
  2. i’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  and i enjoy the satisfaction of telling someone “i told you so.”
  3. i majored in English in college which should mean i know how to do things like read and write–well.  but then you see that i am not using caps here, for the most part, and you scratch your head in wonderment.
  4. one of my dreams is to live abroad with my family.  i’m not sure we’ll do it.  with young kids, the last thing i desire is to uproot the life we’ve made, but you never know.
  5. i like the taste of coffee so much, i don’t dislike decaf.  i think it’s the fact that i’m drinking coffee that makes me feel like decaf or not, it’s still…coffee, so it must be working its *magic* somehow.
  6. i’m the biggest procrastinator OR i’m a compulsive do it all now-er…there is nothing in between.
  7. i’ve tried to like running, but i just don’t!
  8. i was in marching band (color guard) for eight glorious years and met some of the best people doing it
  9. i love being the mother of boys.  they get dirty and know how to have fun.  what’s not to like?
  10. i enjoy baking.  i’ve thought about it as a career.  unfortunately, ian is allergic to eggs which limits what i will bake or else you imagine how to tell a two and a half year old how they can’t eat something that smells and tastes delicious, but excuse you while YOU eat it?!
  11. i am a HUGE lady gaga fan.  my first time seeing her i was fifteen DAYS away from giving birth to Arthur.
  12. i love planning: vacations, weekends, playdates, dinner (OK, dinner gets boring fast, but i like when i know what i’m going to cook and making sure i have the recipe and ingredients at the ready).
  13. i feel accomplished if i can get the boys out of the house and off to do at least one thing per morning.  this is apart from my corporate job days, but if we can say we set up the porch, went to the playground or the grocery store, i feel successful.  if we stay put, i feel like we haven’t been productive which rolls right back into the procrastination personality.  see #6.
  14. i’m a homebody.  i grew up twenty minutes from where i live, and i went to college in my homestate.  i did think i would end up in NYC one day.  the verdict is still out on whether i’ll regret that one or not…looking at my family and home, i’m thinking not.
  15. another dream is to start my own business, but nothing has come of it…yet.  ideas being tossed around have included: bookstore, bar, bakery…a “b” theme, for sure!
  16. spring and fall are favorite seasons, but we got married in the summer and had summer babies, so summer is clearly the winner.  and winter is out.
  17. i was born without a middle name.  my middle name now is legally my maiden name.
  18. i sucked my thumb for a very long time.  hence the braces and headgear.
  19. favorite color: blue
  20. favorite food: any type of pasta (so i have a blue car and we’re eating pasta tonight!)
  21. i want to buy my retirement/vacation home in Eze, France.
  22. i don’t mind doing laundry apart from the folding/putting away part of the process.
  23. my favorite book is Jane Eyre.
  24. on the first night i met Bub, i followed him home to use his bathroom.
  25. the anniversary of our first date is the summer solstice and this year will mark its tenth anniversary; we will have been married for five years.
  26. i cried when i found my wedding dress.
  27. we went to Italy for two weeks on our honeymoon.  we are discussing how to get back there with the boys.
  28. i was 41 weeks with both boys’ pregnancies and had to be induced both times. 
  29. being a mother is the most rewarding thing i have ever done and i am honored to be their mother.
  30. i believe God has a plan for everyone.
  31. i am afraid of death.

early morning birthday thoughts

i’m not sure why i’m actually up at this hour.  as referenced below, Arthur made our daily early-morning (read: 3am) nursing date.  Bub tried to soothe him and even changed his diaper which he said really didn’t need changing.  but that was not enough, Arthur needed a drink.  so instead of dragging my body back to bed to soak up a couple more hours of sleep, my mind was all like: you were not productive enough at work yesterday and because you are taking a 1/2 day today, get your butt downstairs and do some work.  instead, i sit here, on the sofa, figuring out if i should work or do last night’s dishes/prep for leaving the house because in all my laziness last night, we had to finish watching Mildred Pierce, and i think, wouldn’t it be good to post again so soon on the blog that readers shall not comment on a) because i write non-captivating yadda yadda posts and b) i’ve let this thing go so far to the way-side, people forget that i’ve been blogging since 2005?

and wasn’t the reason why i was not dragging myself back to bed so i could work, not dilly-dally online? and i remind myself that it is my birthday, after all, and shouldn’t i do as i please, especially when it’s almost 4am and everyone will wake up soon looking for me to dress them, remind them to use the potty, looking for milky, looking to nurse, looking, looking, looking.

i have a nice 1/2 day at work planned.  nothing special for my non-working 1/2 day except i always manage to get my toes done as a nice little pampering tradition and something i hardly ever do anymore now that i have the kiddos.  i just can’t justify getting away long enough to go and i’m the one that has to overpay for it significantly, to go to an actual spa as opposed to the in-and-out so-so places that you may as well skip since, well, they skip hygiene as a rule (gross).

so, some more of my pics decided to come through that i could not post yesterday.  and here they are (and happy birthday, all my fellow 4/13-ers!)